


Survive

by paperback92



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5691952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperback92/pseuds/paperback92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re two sides of a coin, Bucky Barnes and him. It had always been Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes against the world. Steve decided a long time ago that he didn’t want to be in the world without his best friend, his brother.</p>
<p>It’s why he went down with the Valkyrie. Why he went down with the heilcarrier. Why he chose to fall into the river.  Why he laid there while Bucky beat his face to a bloody pulp. Why he didn’t fight to survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survive

**Author's Note:**

> This little piece of tragedy struck me and I had to write it because I'm complete Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes trash.
> 
> Warning though, there are mentions of self harm and a suicide attempt.
> 
> Enjoy!!

“Bucky.” 

Steve breathes and there’s the briefest moment of absolute and total silence where Steve’s world narrows down to just him and the man that’s stalking forward towards him through the smoke, ash, and dwindling flames with all the fluid grace of a large cat. 

He’s in civilian clothes, a red long sleeve shirt, jeans, and a hoodie, and he still looks every ounce as threating as he did in when he was in his battle armor on that bridge. 

Steve walks forward too, closing the readily closing gap of distance between the two men. He moves slowly and telegraphs all of his movements, as if he was approaching a feral animal. 

Bucky seems unwell. That’s the nicest term Steve can think of. He’s unshaven and looks like he hasn’t eaten or slept in a week.

And furious. He looks furious. 

Floating pieces of ash cling to Steve’s eyelashes and makes his eyes water. He blinks until his vision is clear and Bucky is right there in his face. He doesn’t even register that he’s been hit until he hits the ground. 

And then the silence breaks.

He hears his team mates shouting all at once through the commutation piece in his ear, franticly yelling at him to get out of there. They’re voices mix with the ringing in his ears and somehow Natasha’s voice cuts through all the static and noise.

“Steve! Steve? Do you need backup?”

He’s only given the opportunity to spit out a mouthful of blood before Bucky is on top of him, pinning him to the ground with his legs. Bucky presses his flesh arm down on Steve’s throat, cutting off his air supply. Steve struggles not to fight, not to claw through Bucky’s arm, not to throw him off.

He hears Clint in his ear. “I have a clear shot at the Winter Solider.” 

“No!” Steve croaks out and Bucky eases up his arm just a little, letting him gulp down air. “Stand down.”

Bucky punches him again and Steve tries to blink away the stars in his vision. 

“Fight back.” Bucky growls.

“No.” Steve says again, softer. 

Fury twists Bucky’s features and he gathers the material of Steve’s uniform, pulling him up. “Fight. Back.”

“No. I’ll never fight you, Buck.”

That gets him slammed back into the concrete with such force that Steve thinks he feels the back of his head crack open. 

“But you did. Once.” Bucky says, and the hurt and confusion laced in his voice cuts Steve to the quick. 

“I’ve never fought you, Buck.” Steve tries to reason but gets another flesh fist to the face for his trouble.

“You did.” Bucky insists, quieter this time, looking as if he’s working through something. “You did. On the cliff.”

The memory comes back to Steve with such force that he’s afraid he’ll be sick. 

Bucky’s right. He had fought him once, a long time ago. Steve had filed that incident away and hadn’t let himself think about for a very long time.

But Bucky remembered. Of all the things to remember…

Steve gags on the thought and the blood that’s trickled down the back of his throat and Bucky lets him up only enough to spit it up before pinning him back down.

“You’re right, Buck.” Steve says and something akin to satisfaction fills Bucky’s eyes.

“You’re right.” Steve reassures again. “I forgot but I remember it now.”

“Why though?” The other man asks but it’s no longer a demand Steve realizes, it’s a plea for information, as if he remembers the broader points but not the details.

“You were hurting yourself.” Steve tells him and remembers with a chill that cold morning he found Bucky, only inches away from the end of the cliff. “I couldn’t let you do that.”

Bucky had looked very much then like he does now: lost and confused, hurt and angry. It wasn’t very long after the rescue from Austria and Steve had been stupid. He had been blind and stupid and didn’t see that something was very wrong with his best friend until it had almost been too late. 

Looking back, Steve should have known that something wasn’t right. Bucky had been different since his return. He was quieter. He was wary on the verge of paranoia. He had spent the nights tossing and turning or wandering.

But Steve was stupid and too caught up being the star spangled man with a plan.

The Commandos had taken down a large Hydra unit and was given a couple days off as a result. Bucky had slipped away during the first night and when the next morning light dawned, he hadn’t returned. 

Steve hadn’t been too worried though, Bucky had always been a bit of a flake. He had found him a couple miles from the camp, standing on the edge of cliff overlooking the forest and nothing but sharp rocks below. 

He watched for a moment as Bucky flipped the pocket knife around his hand. It was almost a blur as it moved from one hand to another, over calloused knuckles and thick fingers. It was an old nervous habit that Bucky had since childhood. He could never keep his hands still.

Steve stepped forward intending to tease but the quip died in his throat when he saw the thin trails of blood running down his friends arms. 

“Buck?” He called out cautiously. The other man inclined his head toward Steve slightly, the only sign that he had been heard, but kept his back to him. 

As Steve approached, he saw more clearly the dozen or so shallow cuts that lined Bucky’s forearms. 

“What happened, Buck?” He had asked, reaching out for his friend’s arm. Bucky flinched away from the touch. 

“Nothing.” He said, pocketing the knife and tucking his arms against his chest, hiding them from sight. He shrugged a shoulder, carelessly. “Tripped coming up here, got scratched up. That’s all.” 

“Sure.” Steve said, letting the lie pass for the time being. 

He noticed it, then. He noticed just how far they were up on the cliff. He noticed Bucky’s toes hanging off. He noticed the distant look in his best friend’s eyes. 

It scared Steve.

“I’m starved, Buck. Let’s go get some breakfast.” Steve had coxed but Bucky didn’t bite.

“You go ahead.” He said, shifting forward an inch. “I’ll catch up.” 

Steve broke out in a cold sweat when Bucky shifted again, this time a bit of rock gave away beneath his feet. 

“Come on, Buck.” He pleaded. “Let’s get out of here.”

Bucky sighed, a happy little sound that usually warmed Steve but now struck in him a new chord of panic. 

“It’s pretty out here, isn’t it Stevie? It’s a nice last sight.” 

With that he went over the edge, only to be caught and hauled back up onto solid ground by Steve, who thanked each and very deity for his newfound strength. The momentum sent them crashing into the ground and Steve rolled them as far as he could from the edge. 

Panting, Steve barely sat up before Bucky’s fist knocked him back down. 

“Why, Steve?” Bucky screamed, landing another punch. “You should have let me fall!”

Bucky scrambled back to his feet and headed back to the edge. Steve couldn’t remember ever moving so fast before.

He lunged forward and wrapped around Bucky’s legs, downing him. Bucky twisted a leg free of Steve’s grasp and kicked wildly, catching Steve again in the face. Steve, all fear and adrenaline, recovered quickly and pinned Bucky down. Bucky thrashed underneath Steve’s grasp. 

“Stop it, Buck.” Steve had begged. “Don’t make me do this.” 

Bucky had a weak spot. Years of dirty back alley fights taught Steve that if one landed a hit just right underneath the sharp edge of his jaw line, Bucky would go down hard. Only a lucky few had managed to bring Bucky Barnes down. Only Steve knew exactly how.

“Please, Buck.”

Bucky fought harder. 

It was a light punch but right there in that spot, it knocked Bucky out like a light. 

It didn’t take long for Bucky to recover, not even a full minute, but when he roused it was like all the fight had drained out of him. He blinked up at Steve slowly, mournfully, before his face crumpled and he broke down into heart wrenching sobs. Steve gathered his friend into a bone crunching hug, whispering apologies into his hair.

“You should have let me fall, Stevie.” Bucky had sobbed into Steve’s collarbone. “You should have let me fall.”

Steve blinks back from the memory and the world is quiet again. Numbly, he realizes that he’s just told the story aloud to the whole world. His team is silent in his ear, only the sounds of hushed breathing coming through.

Bucky peers down at him, blinking slowly, looking like he did all those years ago. They stare at each other for what seems like an entirely before Bucky speaks quietly, so softly that Steve has to strain to hear him.

“But why? Why did you fight me then?”

Steve shallows the lump that’s suddenly lodged itself in his throat. “Because I was selfish. I knew I couldn’t live without my best friend.”

It’s why he went down with the Valkyrie. Why he went down with the heilcarrier. Why he chose to fall into the river. Why he laid there while Bucky beat his face to a bloody pulp, twice now. 

Why he didn’t fight to survive.

They’re two sides of a coin, Bucky Barnes and him. It had always been Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes against the world. Steve decided a long time ago that he didn’t want to be in the world without his best friend, his brother.

Bucky eases off of Steve and sits on the ground beside him. Steve’s not sure how long they sit there together in silence before Natasha’s voice buzzes in his ear.

“Is he going to come in peacefully, Steve? Or does he need a head start?”

Steve sighs. “Natasha wants to know-“

“I heard her.” Bucky interrupts. He doesn’t speak again for a while. Steve doesn’t push and stays laying on the ground. He watches Bucky clench and unclench his fists several times before the world tilts and he lets his eyes slip shut. 

He hears Bucky shift beside him and stand. Steve sucks in a breath and braces himself to hear Bucky walk away. He’ll let him walk. If Bucky needs more time, Steve will give him all the time he needs. No more chasing him around the world. No more wild goose chases.

But Steve doesn’t hear any falling footsteps and when he cracks his eyes open, Bucky is standing over him. 

For an instant, he looks like the old Bucky Barnes. His head tilted to the side, eyes soft, and a slight grin tugging at his lips. 

“You stay at that,” He pauses and gestures, searching for the word he wants. “That Tower, right?”

“That big ugly one in the city, yeah.”

Bucky smiles at that and extends a hand to Steve, who takes it without a second thought. Bucky heaves him to his feet. 

“Think there might be room for one more?”

Steve smiles bigger then he has in years.

Months later, when Steve is perched on the love seat in the common room of the tower, abandoned sketchbook in his lap, watching Bucky on the couch talking and laughing with Natasha tucked into his side, Steve is finally glad that he did survive.


End file.
